This might be a little off-topic for this blog but its a subject that plays through my brain in the wee hours of the night and so, here I am.
Just before Christmas last year I had what was probably a breakdown. I had been dealing with so much personal stress, financial, health and family worries and then on top of that, I was suffering from workplace bullying. It was difficult as a 40 something woman to go to my superiors and explain that someone who worked alongside me in a charity for end of life respite, was, in fact, making my life hell.
They didn’t care at all, she was a senior to me and that week I handed in my notice and spent the next five months beating myself up in so many ways imaginable. I thought of suicide, often and in great detail. And if it hadn’t been for the help of my husband, son, mum and a few friends on social media I would not be here to write this right now.
I would lay awake all night, imaginary scenarios running through my brain as I imagined different ways I could have acted. I doubted how I felt, how people felt about me and where my life was actually going.
I gave up drawing, instead , filling my days with mindless Youtube videos because they stopped me thinking. I reached out to mental health organizations but found them to be overstretched, their help was limited and to be quite frank, less than I needed.
I would wake my husband at 4 am an ask him to hold me because I was scared I would do something silly, I would lay there in his arms while he would talk me down, or up. Until the next night, and the next.
It’s difficult to explain how I feel now. I am back in work, I have a great bunch of people around me. We laugh and joke but that darkness that was inside me still is and I quite often find myself thinking of ties as modes to hang myself or taking pills, I still wonder if my own personal feeling of inadequacy, the ones I have had pretty much all of my life ( and were nothing to do with a pretty normal childhood) just bullying from my school peers and a general hatred of who I was has led me to where I am now.
I want to better, I have something inside of me that wants to believe that because of what I have been through there has to be that something that I am here for, that reason but in the darkness of the night, when the mind bees arrive I often wonder what are we doing anyway? And does any of this matter?
I guess I am always reaching out, always hoping that someone else can see the light that shines inside of me and perhaps it will guide them home to where they need to be. It’s a pretty dark world sometimes and everyone needs a light to guide them.
So do I.